James' Zen Life

The following is a reproduction of Tonya's letter to James in November of 2008. I first read it via email while awaiting a flight in the Reno airport, and it was hilarious then. Now that I am deployed, it is even funnier!

Zen is the art of living in the present for there is no past and the future is undetermined. It is a representative ideology that encourages living in the moment. It is a great concept in theory but hard to stomach in reality. Thought that I would resend an updated version of this information just as a reminder of the current situation. This is a short list of zen examples that prove my perspective.

Past: Consuming the beer of the month was necessity.

Present: Babywipes are a good trade for beer-ration coupons.

Future: You will ultimately have to return to the world of babywipes and diapers. You have no hope of missing the potty training phase.

Past: The ultimate travesty in life is that I have been to Disneyland no less than 50 times and have only had my picture taken with Mickey Mouse once.

Present: Mickey Mouse is the universal symbol used by for target practice in your area of the world.

Future: Disneyland is where you go to live in fantasyland and forget your last tour of duty. Live like prince charming and eat junk food all day.

Past: "Duck and Cover" are valid safety instructions for an earthquake. (Note: For native Californians, the correct action during an earthquake is to stop what you are doing, look annoyed until the shaking stops and then resume the task at hand. Should an earthquake happen at night, decline the option of jumping out of bed, and be annoyed until the shaking stops. Then roll over and go back to sleep.)

Present: The correct Army interpretation of "Duck and Cover" is to really duck, cover, crawl into the fetal position and hold your breath until the dust settles.

Future: Return on a permanent basis to California and be annoyed by earthquakes like the rest of us.

Past: Getting updates on Middle East conflict used to be sitting on the couch with MSN while cursing the "barista" for having added whole milk to a venti sugar-free, soy, vanilla bean, extra-blended, no whip frapp.

Present: The latest information comes from looking out your office window for troop movement.

Future: Watching some journalist selling his book on military life in Iraq after spending two weeks in the "field" while staying at the Hilton and you know that he is making millions from it.

Past: "Man Room" was a term of endearment for the black pit for all things that your wife wants to throw away. It's only every several years that a complete cleaning must be done – even if you are not there to do it.

Present: "Man Room" is now defined as the men's barracks. While the traditional man room may be messy and disorganized for months or years at a time with only mild wifely nagging, barracks come fully equipped with kind daily reminders about the virtues of organization and cleanliness delivered by a loving drill sergeant.

Future: Coming home to find that the "Man Room" has been converted into a nursery. (Sorry, this should have gone under the past section. Let me revise my statement: Coming home to find that the room has been converted into a pink princess nursery complete with lace curtains and tea party table.)

Past: What shoe symbol is really religious in nature? Nike, the goddess of war, the protector of suffering soldiers and represented by the "swoop" symbol. It was the answer to the million-dollar question last year. (Sorry, that question was fairly simple and not worth a million bucks.)

Present: Nike is now the protector of human feet from burning desert sand during a casual morning jog of 10 miles singing Chariots of Fire. Don't get me wrong – Nike is a step up. You could be doing it in combat boots.

Future: When you don't run well on the treadmill at the local, gym you can loudly blame your Nike shoes when you are too winded to continue.

Past: Your old cell phone was pocket-size and GPS was a cool tool that only costs $30 a month and gives untold bragging rights.

Present: Now, cell phones are worn as a 50-pound backpack. Military GPS is more accurate than directions like: cross four sand dunes to the south. Come to the mirage and make a left. Go another seven dunes to the burned-out bunker, veer left until you reach the oasis. Better yet – there is no cost to this type of GPS unless you count the cost of building and launching a telecommunications satellite.

Future: The cell phone rings just as you are leaving work with the request to run just one little errand on your way home. (My husband loves this one. But now instead of calling him with my annoyance, I just text him. This new strategy saves me the step of hearing "yes, dear.")

Past: Mail was previously a source of dread. Bills and bad news are hand delivered daily to a private mailbox where you can't deny that they are yours.

Present: Sole source of contact with the outside world is mail. Any piece of mail is better than none. Good news or bad news – it's irrelevant. Each letter must be read over and over. To be shared with any passerby. Kinder-art now passes for legitimate communication. It's better than most other types of mail: you can sit for hours staring at the abstract objects trying to figure out what a five-year old was thinking calling this green line an alien monster.

Future: Returning to the daily grid of paying bills in a private mailbox.

Past: Elegant dinner conversation included discussions of tex-mex vs. Baja Mexican food, whether Creole is better than southern and should sake be served hot or cold. This was all done using leather-backed chairs in an air conditioned restaurant with a waiter to fill the glass after every sip.

Present: Standing in the chow line and being thankful that powdered eggs are not on the menu. But better, standing in the chow line and knowing that the alternative is an MRE. MRE translates into Meals Refused by Everyone. Yes, the military knows all about the jokes related to MREs. How do they retaliate? Add Tabasco to every package: have a stomachache from hunger or have a stomachache from Tabasco. Army cooks will leave the final decision to you.

Future: Stock-up on MREs. Home cooked meals are over-rated from a wifely perspective, especially when you have kids. (All humor aside, take my advice on this one. My husband has become a great cook because his only alternatives were starvation, takeout or eating chicken nuggets with yogurt and applesauce every night. I eat lots better since his new skill acquisition. Now, if I could just convince him that doing dishes was part of the meal preparation process.)

Past: The question to paint walls beige, cream, vanilla, camel or mocha was relevant.

Present: Everything now comes in Army green and for a little variety, brown.

Future: Beige, cream, vanilla, camel or mocha? Make a decision. It will only take three trial cans of paint.

P.S The above text is strictly a personal perspective on life changes and provided solely for my amusement. If the Army wanted for you, personally, to have a perspective, they would have already issued it.