Back on line, back on duty

Wow, what a change in the blog since I last checked in!! I've been offline for a while, not just because I am lazy and let Autumn post updates while I was on R&R in LA, but even after the traveling, I just didn't call, didn't write, didn't post ... I didn't even write my customary letter/postcard/something to Kaitlin and Ashley for a couple days. I guess it's just my nature to do that.

I'm back to work again, coming off about a week of night shifts to attend some training given by people who only work at night. These guys do computer defense work, and a lot of their techniques use a lot of network bandwidth, making them really unpopular during the day. At night, even in a place that is 24x7, activity decreases, so these guys can work unencumbered. They train us on the actual equipment and procedures they use, so it only follows they would do it at night too. I previously was day shift, so I started acclimating myself to days here (nights in LA), only to go back to nights here, and tomorrow will be a day shift. Ugh. Good training though!

The trip over here was a miserable one, even compared to the couple of times I had done it before. I was a little sick starting the day before I left LA, and it didn't help that I was stuck in Kuwait an extra day. I did not realize how quickly dust storms come up and how much they impact things, but I walked into the movie/board game/cushy couch tent in Kuwait at 10 AM, and by noon it was like a blizzard of sand outside. Passengers for my flight were supposed to gather at 3 PM, which we did, and we got delayed until about 7 PM, eventually loading up onto a C-130 and taking off for Baghdad. There isn't an intercom on a C-130 like a commercial airliner, but when the hour and fifteen minute flight was still in the air at 2 hours, then 3 hours, we all put it together: we couldn't land. We finally landed, and I remarked to someone next to me, "hey, the only thing that could make this worse is if we turned around and went back to Kuwait!", to which he replied, "Chief ... we ARE in Kuwait." Two hours later, we were back at the tents with instructions to show up the same time the next day for another attempt. The dust had died down by then, and there wasn't a problem with that flight.

I find myself not really having the heart to work anymore. It's not that I don't think it's important, but I am exceedingly sad to have left LA. It was a great two weeks - seeing Loretta, Matt and Autumn every day, seeing my dad more times than I had in the previous 10 years, seeing my brother more times than I had in the previous 15 years, getting to spend at least an afternoon each with my family and Autumn's family, and of course, eating at Tolteca! That's the problem, though: it was the life we can never have until Autumn gets out of the Army in 11 years, being around family, living in LA, seeing the people and the things we love. Matt met a lot of people he had not yet met, family and friends, and he's already had his first birthday! I think about the 7 months or so I have left here and I know it pales in comparison to the years I will spend in places that aren't LA, and it's really that which takes the heart out of me. The deployment is only the beginning, it seems. My friends in the unit here sympathize, and they say I'll get my mojo back, but it's a hard reality to ignore, and one I guess I successfully buried for all these years. Maybe that's why I never call, and never write ...

I take solace in what everyone told me when I saw them: "I've got your back." I also could not tell that Loretta and Matt had only been living in their apartment for two days by the time I had gotten there - what unbelievable generosity everyone has shown making a temporary home for Loretta and Matt! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! If there's anything that keeps me going here, it's that I think my friends and family love me, and I can safely say there is no doubt in my mind I have nothing to worry about in that regard, much less whether Loretta and Matt will be ok.

Time for bed, if I can get to sleep after screwing up my Circadian rhythm this much ...

A child's dream

One of James' requests during R&R was to go to Disneyland. We both love everything Disney, and I suspect our admiration is derived from our childhood memories of Disneyland and Disneyworld. (We also have taken 2 big vacations to the parks as a married, child-less couple.) We decided to take advantage of the awesome deals Disney has to offer members of the military in 2009, and although we had to drive out to March Air Reserve Base to get the tickets, so far we're enjoying ourselves.



We arrived at the Disneyland Hotel this afternoon, and I was reminded of the reason I love to stay in Disney hotels: they do everything right! Seriously .... from the bell hop to the front desk staff, everyone we came into contact with was courteous and helpful, even when we requested complicated stuff like early check-in. :) Our room, of course, is gorgeous; it's rather large and well-appointed even though it's a 'regular' room. I am always amazed at how well everything is maintained at the Disney parks and resorts; at the hotel, for example, there is not a leaf out of place on any shrub or tree on the grounds!

The land of Disney just exudes happiness. It's impossible not to be happy here. However, I am starting to get that deep-down dread in the pit of my stomach when I think about leaving California for El Paso next week. (I even have trouble writing that - 'next week' - since it seems so close when I type it out.) I was warned by the doc I'm replacing in Afghanistan that I would begin to count the days until leaving, and that I would begin to think, 'This is the last time I'll do X before leaving.' I'm trying my best not to allow this type of thinking to permeate my attitude, but it's surprisingly and impossibly difficult. These 2 weeks are a weird time for James, Matt, and I, with James in the middle of his deployment and with me preparing to leave for mine, so the emotions we feel are understandably jumbled and sometimes convoluted.

Everyone keeps telling me that I'm dealing with this dual-deployment situation very well, but no one has access to the self-talk that is constantly streaming through my head. Outwardly, I appear to be dealing well, but inside is a slightly different story. I have been trying very hard to focus on the positive aspects of this deployment (e.g. James and I will only be separated for 12 total months instead of 24, Matt is too young to remember us leaving and will have excellent care while we're gone, I'm going to a large and safe base, etc), and thus far it seems I have fooled everyone. I started to admit to myself a few days ago, though, that I can't always be the reasonable, logical, rational person everyone makes me out to be. For example, several days ago I cried for the first time since learning of the deployment. Additionally, I woke up exhausted this morning after a dream - a nightmare, really - of leaving Matt at the airport in 10 days and flying halfway around the world without him. I'm sure these thoughts, feelings, and dreams will only become more and more evident in the next 10 days; let's just hope that they won't prevent me from enjoying the time I have left with James and Matt before reporting to Fort Benning.

Surprise!!!

Matt, Loretta, and I awoke this morning and got ready to go to our new pediatrician for Matt's first appointment. As I prepared to leave the apartment, I checked my email and found a three line email from James:

"Hi honey ... I'm in Germany right now and I only have a second - I'm coming into Ontario on American flight 1649, arriving from Dallas at 1410 on Tuesday. See you soon!!! Love, James"

The second suprise of the day occurred via text message while at the doctor's office: James had caught an early flight and would be arriving at 10am! We rushed from the office to the airport to meet him, and although he had to wait a few minutes for us, it was excellent to see him!

Any of you that know James probably can guess what he wanted first: Tolteca!! (It's his favorite mexican food restaurant and a Richards family hangout for half a century. There's even talk that one member of the family - who will remain nameless - has the recipe for Tolteca salsa ...) So we went straight there and gorged ourselves on the best mexican food north of the border.

He had been traveling around 48 hours to get from Baghdad, to Kuwait, to Germany, to Dallas, and finally to Ontario. He was ready for a shower and a nap, then we took off for my parents' house where something of a family reunion was to occur. Everyone was there, from my sister and her kids to James' dad to Loretta and me. (The only Rabe missing was Jonathan, who of course was in Reno at college.) We spent entirely too long there, but of course there was a lot of catching up to do! By the time we got in the car, Matt was so tired he could hardly keep his eyes open, but we made it home and Loretta and I put the boys to bed. They are both sleeping soundly now, happy to be under one roof. ;-)

I imagine some of you are wondering how Matt took to James after not seeing him for 3 months (except in videos of James reading Matt's books, which we play every night as Matt gets ready for bed). The pictures on this page tell it all! At first, he was understandably a bit unsure. He wasn't quite sure what to make of the big dude in an Army uniform and boonie hat chomping his cheek. But he warmed up very very quickly, to the point that by the time we went to lunch, Matt allowed his dad to carry him around inside the restaurant. He really did much better than any of us anticipated!!